The Scallion*: Gender Extremists Cancel “Mr.” Potato Head


These are dark times in America. This country is changing and not for the better. For the past year we have been in the thralls of a deadly pandemic…of voter fraud. Attacks on religious freedom continue to rise; it’s almost like you can’t force your religious beliefs onto others anymore, and now they’ve come for our Christian savior, Mr. Potato Head.

Mr. Potato Head fried for our sins. Image from Corrie Cooks.

Things used to be different. Back when I was a young boy it was a simpler time; women were women, and potatoes were allowed to be men, dammit. People didn’t waste their time on frivolous activities, you had to work hard to provide for your potato family. Those were the values our fore potatoes instilled onto us in the great potato skin constitution.

They didn’t have paper back then so they wrote it on potato skins. They also didn’t have iPhones so they had to use beepers. Image from Wikipedia.

Now the left has tried to cancel our hardworking patriot Mr. Potato Head and strip him of his gender and force him to become a transgender. It is an absolute affront to good Christian folks everywhere.

Those of us who have been reading the good book know damn well that God created all plastic potatoes as either male, female, or permanent baby. Some people will tell you that if you pull off their plastic parts, you are left with two identical, indistinguishable potato shaped pieces of plastic. Now, to our untrained earthly eyes that may appear to be the case, but the Lord knows which one is the man and which one is the woman, and yes, it absolutely matters.

You can’t put the mustache on the that one that’s Mrs. Potato Head. You’re playing with it wrong! Image from Wikipedia.

It’s even one of the forgotten commandments, number 12: “Thou shalt not put a purse on Mr. Potato Head, for he is a boy and the gender of an inanimate object is very important.”

People also forget about the 39th commandment: “Thou shalt not change the channel during a commercial break of The 700 Club, not even if it is only for a quick second to check the score of the Knicks game that you bet $70 on. Thou shalt wait until the show has ended, for they are playing in Phoenix and the game will still be on. The Lord hath spoken!”

Pat Robertson actually died 8 years ago. Not even people who watch The 700 Club have noticed. Image from Newsweek.

As our favorite Christian Freedom fighter Congresswoman, Marjorie Taylor Green, has told us, we need to trust the science because the good book is nothing but important science and definitely not complete nonsense. Science tells us that plastic toys have gender, and we need to listen when Dr. Fauci tells us this.

I’m sure any day now Dr. Fauci will talk about this real soon, at least that’s what Q tells me. Image from Detroit News.

If we allow this to continue, what’s next? Same sex pretend potato couples?, Do you want to live in that kind of world?

As a small government conservative, I demand the government tell this private corporation what to do and force them to follow my religion. In the future, I will only be buying off-brand Mr. Christian Legume Face from Hobby Lobby.  They make you sign a waiver upon purchase that you will only put the boy hat on the boy potato, just as God intended.

See Mr. Christian Legume Face just as good! (Trademark pending) Image from Amazon.

At this time, I can think of no greater threat facing this country. On a day when the left and Joe Biden have passed a large Covid relief bill, we can’t lose focus on what’s really important: Mr. Potato Head. We can’t have kids playing with the toy the wrong way. Besides, we all know Trump saved us from the evil virus that Hillary Clinton unleashed on us last June. Wake up, sheeple! Go Q!

In 2024 I’m voting for QAnon Jesus. Image from The Week.

*This article is satire, not news.

*The Scallion is writer Max Weinberg’s version of the popular satire website The Onion.

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Max is a Senior at New England College majoring in Political Science and minoring in Creative Writing. He is from Upstate New York. This is his second semester writing for The New Englander. Contrary to many reports, he is not Professor Homestead’s brother. Max is a huge Yankees and Giants fan, and is currently on a quest to go to all 30 MLB Stadiums. He writes most things, from the mundane to the nonsensical, including opinion pieces. Max also writes a column, The Scallion, which is his version of the popular satire website The Onion. Regardless of what you may have heard he does not bring the problems from the 90’s into 2 thou’.
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