The Scallion*: Winter Dreams


For the past few winters, I have formed the genesis of my brilliant and super satisfying way to deal with excess amounts of snow.  At the risk of losing millions of dollars by having my idea stolen I will divulge the mastery of my idea.

15 Inventions So Terrible They're Almost Good | BuzzNick
It’s like the toilet paper helmet all over again. Millions of dollars I’ll never see. Image courtesy Buzznick.

There is nothing more satisfying than making something melt. We’ve all done it. No judgement here. Whether it’s taking a barbecue lighter to the inside of a freezer, trying to melt off all of the excess ice, or pouring table salt onto ice cubes in the sink, it’s a great way to feel powerful. In a world where you feel like the bug being stepped on, it’s nice to step on the ant for once.

Cook in a Cyclone - Drawception
Artist’s rendering of the reversal of fortune. Image courtesy of Drawception.

It’s natural to feel empathy and even remorse for snuffing out the life of ice, but you have to remember they would do the same to you given half a chance. You don’t know how many nights I’ve spend sleepless in bed, worrying about the day when the ice cubes come for us. It’s not a matter of if, but when, and it’s something we all need to prepare for. But until that day we can continue to melt snow and ice without abandon.

How global warming is affecting Canada's polar bears | Cottage Life
That’s why it’s so much fun to pollute, it’s like you’re melting the world’s ice. Image courtesy of Cottage Life.

My cure for the snow and ice metastasized in a scenario wherein there is nonstop snow for days. To the point where it gets as high as the roof and you have nowhere to put it anymore, similar to what happened in Buffalo a few years ago, when many houses were in danger or having roofs collapse due to the weight from the extreme snow.

Worst Buffalo Moment # 1 - WIDE RIGHT - Bull Run
It’s been made very clear time and again that God has just forgotten about Buffalo. Image courtesy of UB Bull Run.

The first part of the plan is to fill large empty, metal trash cans with as much snow as possible (preferably at least 5 trash cans) and place them in the garage. This is where they’ll melt over night or however long it takes. There is surprisingly zero literature about the subject of melting snow in your garage in trash cans, so I have no clue how long that would actually take. Twelve hours, twelve weeks, it’s anyone’s guess really.

Obituary: Stephen Hawking - BBC News
President Obama seen here strangling failed scientist for not devoting more time to studying the science of how long it takes to melt snow in a trash can in your garage. Image courtesy of BBC.

You then take the largest pan that you have, typically one used for making pasta or soup. Now this is your gathering pan, and it will also be used to fill up snow from outside. We’ll come back to this pan later.

All of the faucets in your house need to be turned on high with only the hot side running. This is including the bath tub, with only the hottest water running.

Wet bandits - Home Alone (1990) - YouTube
Similar to what the “wet bandits” would do. Image courtesy of YouTube.

Then you want to make sure you have a pot or pan on all four of the burners on top of your stove, turned on high. Follow that by turning the oven itself on as high as it goes. This could mean 600 or 700, but it depends on the stove. Don’t be worried by how high the number is. While many of you have never cooked at such a high temperature, it is totally safe because it’s only water and water can’t make fire. It even says so in the bible.

The Ten Commandments Were Written on Sapphire Tablets From God's ...
I think it’s like the 15th and a half commandment. Image courtesy of Apple Eye Ministries.

Put a large baking dish inside the oven, one you might use to make a turkey, but whatever will fit. Now this is where you get to work.

Usually you’ll need a minimum of 5 people for this. First, one person takes the gathering pan that we talked about before, and they run outside and fill it with snow.  Next, they pour it in the kitchen sink, letting all the hot water in the sink melt the snow down the drain. Each person then brings their own pan outside, evenly pouring all the snow they bring between all of the sinks and the bathtub inside to be melted under the water; even the washing machine can be filled with the snow.

The hot water from the sink and bathtub will melt all of the snow and therefore, they can be constantly refilled with more snow.

Pastafarian' allowed to wear 'religious' spaghetti strainer on ...
It is not necessary for the one using the gathering pan to wear a colander on their head but it is more traditional. Image courtesy of Daily Mail.

You have to have the kitchen person who makes sure they fill up all of the pans on the stove with snow to melt, along with the turkey pan in the oven. Once the snow has been melted and brought to a boil, the pans on the stove must be taken outside and dumped on the ground to melt more snow.

Before going back inside, you fill them up again to melt more snow on the stove and repeat the process.

Recycling symbol - Wikipedia
I believe the term is called recycling. Plus it’s good for the earth since water and heat are renewable. Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

Once the trash can snow from the garage has been fully melted, it can be dumped down any drain in the house, including the washing machine. The process can be repeated by filling the trash cans with more snow.

All your clothes will be snow fresh. Image from Remodelista.

In no time at all you’ll have a yard and roof free of any snow. Your neighbors will all be envious and probably think you made a deal with the devil or Mike Pence.

I’d rather not say what our deal was. Image from The Cut.

There you have it, an excellent plan with no problems whatsoever. It is possible there may be some spillage with the constant running of pots and pans, but it’s nothing a few hundred dozens of paper towels won’t fix.

Company Rises From The Ashes To Deliver Emergency Toilet Paper
Some people prefer to use toilet paper instead of paper towels. Maybe this explains the toilet paper shortage. Image courtesy Clean Link.

I have attempted one part of this plan before, so I know it will work. Last winter, I took our largest pot and filled it to the brim with water and waited for it to be boiling with a fury. Then, I took it outside and dumped it in the snow.  The sizzling sound it made was the best moment of my life. Every moment I have spent since then has been wasted.

After I dumped the boiling water out, I placed the burning hot bottom of the pan on the snow and pressed down to melt more snow. Then I filled the pot up with more snow in a scooping fashion.

It’s possible it was mostly dirt. Image courtesy of Alpine Materials.

There wasn’t a large amount of snow left in this spot, so the pot ended up with some dirt, sticks and leaves stuck to it, but that was no problem. I brought the pan back inside and melted it all. It was exhilarating, like a runner’s high or the high you get when you murder a stranger in the park and your neighbor goes to jail instead of you.

Shrugging | Free Vectors, Stock Photos & PSD
Not sorry Mr. Kirkman. You were a terrible neighbor. Image courtesy of Freepik.

The only problem with my idea was figuring out how to monetize it. Specifically branded trash cans and pans that are made to melt outside snow better than your normal food preparing pans were an idea, but I think an at home service where a group of strangers come to your home and do all the hard work of making a mess for you is better. Who wouldn’t want people to come make your house soaking wet for almost no benefit.

You hear that? That’s the sound of making so much money I can finally vote Republican.

Ronald Reagan - Wikipedia
I’ll have so much money that I don’t have to care about others. Sorry I mean small government and something about taxes. I got’s mine baby! Image courtesy of Wikipedia.

In short, you should take the blue pill and experience life in the fast lane and melt some snow or ice. Or maybe it’s the red pill. Just take both pills and melt snow.

Just like from my favorite movie, Harry Potter. Image courtesy Build Blockchain Tech.
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Max is a Senior at New England College majoring in Political Science and minoring in Creative Writing. He is from Upstate New York. This is his second semester writing for The New Englander. Contrary to many reports, he is not Professor Homestead’s brother. Max is a huge Yankees and Giants fan, and is currently on a quest to go to all 30 MLB Stadiums. He writes most things, from the mundane to the nonsensical, including opinion pieces. Max also writes a column, The Scallion, which is his version of the popular satire website The Onion. Regardless of what you may have heard he does not bring the problems from the 90’s into 2 thou’.
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